Things from my head

We all live in this oppressed place where we have to prove ourselves. We’re expected to hide most things that come naturally and prune out acceptable expressions for this place to judge us by. I used to think that my life was profound. But I so easily forgot about the days where I met God in the streets, cried for no reason, and felt music touch me like a hand on my back. I gradually believed and continue to believe what they told me, all those voices. The implications of what a life should be. The things that are never spoken out loud, but whispered in the undertones of every walk of life. They are the voices of bitterness and fear, and the frustrations of never feeling accomplished. The standards of a failing world that when upheld lead to just that, failure.

Then there are nights like these, where I take a simple walk in the rain and I begin to remember. I remember those days, the ones I couldn’t explain the depth of if I had a million perfect words. The passions of youth; discoveries. But they were bigger than that, those winds that moved me. The unspoken truths that guided me into simple joy. Then, for a moment I realize that I was right. Life is profound, and not because I want it to be, but because joy was given to me in the simplest form when I didn’t ask for it. When I was young love met me for absolutely no logical reason and showed me pictures of the beautiful things I could be regardless of circumstances.

I wish I would turn off all my idiot boxes and stop listening to condescending voices, but I won’t. Boldness is one thing I lack. I speak for no one but myself, and I barely make sense of my own thoughts. However if you empathize with my spark of nostalgia, or a picture of grace that your world has suppressed, then I am smiling for you. And if you are hiding, don’t hide anymore. I’ll do my best to join you.

“I’m coming to terms that I’m not concerned
With planting my feet but looking onward
I’m growing older but I cant get over
The need of colder skin when I know that home is warmer
It’s just that I have this problem
Where I want to be everywhere I’m not
I’m thankful for what I’ve got
A room in a house where my bed may stay
But the feel of another’s sheets help keep my demons away
It’s become clear that what keeps me here
Is the sense of failure and other nightmares
I’ve become jaded and I can’t escape it
The thought of settling when I know it’s what I’ve hated
It’s just I have this problem
Where I want to be everywhere I’m not
It’s just I know myself and I’ll sacrifice everything I’ve got
Though I can’t afford to eat as much as I should be
And my bills won’t pay themselves so I’ll come up with another scheme
This place looks better from a passenger window
Or stared at from above
But when you’re chasing brightness
You lose concern with the damage done
It’s not my fault
I’ll try to call
No ties no roots I’m fine.”

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Today was beautiful.

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